On safety

In 1998, my father was transferred to Ludhiana. A small town in the northern state of Punjab. I had to leave my school in Gurgaon mid session when I was in standard six. I was in this school since KG. It was a shock to me to say the least. While I always knew that my father had a transferable job, it never really registered that I would one day have to move from Gurgaon. I had my life and routine set in Gurgaon. I was fairly popular, was one of the rank holders in the class, and was the head monitor, an election that I had won with the highest number of votes in my class. At home, too, we used to live with my grandparents in the house they owned. My childhood was spent climbing the guava tree in the backyard and playing cricket with my neighbours or school friends. It was an idyllic setting.

Ludhiana and puberty hit me like a rock—both nearly simultaneously. We moved to an upscale society in the city, but this meant that the kids were ensconced in their houses, and there was nobody to play with. The school I attended had a higher rigour than my school in Delhi, and I was at sea for most of the first six months. My father, who had joined one of the newly opened private banks, was out to prove himself, which meant longer hours for him. I hardly saw him as he used to come late at night and leave early. My mother was worried about her transfer and, when not worrying, was trying to get me up to speed at school, which meant higher stress and strictness. Add to this mix the changes happening in my body; I was in a strange place and craved familiarity. That is when I took to food. In this milieu of the unknown, food was the only familiar thing that gave me comfort. So, for the first time in my life, I started liking it and eating it with relish. I gained a lot of weight, my waist increased, and from a popular athletic kid, I was now a fat kid trying to find his way in the new class hierarchy. It affected my confidence and self-esteem.

But why did I take to food? I have thought about it a lot. It was finding safety in familiarity. We often associate safety with physical safety. Being out of the harm’s way. But safety is much more than physical safety. It also has aspects of emotional and psychological safety, which is why a baby seeks comfort of emotional safety when looking for her parents in a crowd of strangers. Or people want to join a public sector unit for psychological safety of not worrying about the threat of losing their jobs. This is why a besotted lover wants to hear her beloved tell her that he loves her and assure her that her feelings are being reciprocated.

In our life, the most important thing we should do is to try and make the people who are important to us feel safe. This means we need to communicate more and make them believe - Dont worry, I am here”