Imposter Syndrome

I was recently covered in the alumni spotlight for my undergrad institution. It is a great honour, and I should be proud that the institute chose to feature me. But I do not feel any pride. Instead, I feel a thousand eyes judging me. Why was I featured when many more accomplished than me were not featured? I felt like an imposter. I felt like I was not deserving; I knew it, and they knew it, and they were seething or worse, laughing.

Here is the thing about the imposter syndrome. It lies in our heads. We are constantly worried that others are looking at us and judging us. Hence, we try to hide from these prying eyes. We perform for this non-existent crowd, trying to win their approval. We try to tailor our behaviour to please this crowd. Put restrictions on ourselves and speed breakers so that this crowd does not boo us. We want their approval and respect.

But we are not important enough that people keep on talking about us. Most won’t even think about us for more than 10 seconds. Some may spend 5 minutes to comment amongst themselves and laugh at our expense. The core emotion driving them is jealousy or some internal demon that they have to fight. They then project their insecurities on others to feel good and secure about themselves. It is their coping and defence mechanism. The crowd does not care about you; it never did. It wants to protect itself and its psychology and feel secure. Hence, it tries to say or think things that make it believe that it is right and secure. It wants to win the approval of its imaginary crowd by showing it down.

But then there would be true friends, too, who would be proud and happy to see our success. These friends should be kept around.

The crowd is not there. It is in your head. It isn't easy to put it away. I find it difficult myself. But whenever I see that the crowd is looking at me, I smile wave and keep on doing what is right. The only person whose opinion you should care about is you. The only person who success matters to you is you. Stop performing for the crowd. Perform for yourself.

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win”